Let’s take the seemingly standoffish colleague or team member, for example. We rarely notice them speaking or engaging in the typical pleasantries like “Good morning”; “How’s your day?”; etc. What we observe of them reinforces our assumptions and expectations. We, in turn, don’t go out of our way to extend ourselves to them. The relationship.
The real disconnect lies in the fact that everything we’ve noticed about them has gone through a set of filters, our lenses, which our biases, attitudes, experiences, and other baggage have crafted. In most cases, we only see what we believe. It’s the classic confirmation bias, where we accept information that supports our preconceived notions and reject that which opposes our viewpoint.
In our colleague’s case, we can start by altering the way we think about him or her. A simple question, such as “I know this person has a talent that could benefit the team, how can I find out what that is?” would shift your thought pattern.
We can follow up with a more difficult question: “What am I doing or not doing to contribute to this social barrier?” or “Am I as authentic as I think I am?”
Exploring our role in this context leads to an understanding of our habits, pointing to a potential blind spot. If we couple our new-found self-awareness with some professional courage, we will do the unexpected and reach out to that person to have our first meaningful conversation.
After breaking the ice, more conversations will follow in time, and we will eventually earn each other’s trust. The connection we’ve established will make it easier to call on each other for advice and assistance. Looking back, we will see that the relationship has changed for the better. And it all began by thinking about the person differently.
I hope you find meaning in the quote, especially as it applies to someone you may have written off. As your thoughts about that team member change, so too will your behavior. They will respond to your actions. In time you’ll see a difference.